i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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