my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
