i'm signing you up for texting rehab
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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