I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
