What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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