a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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