You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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