M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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