Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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