Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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