Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
