I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
