YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
