I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
