you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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