someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
