Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
