I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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