how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
