even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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