There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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