There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
