I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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