I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
