for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
