The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
