either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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