I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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