It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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