Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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