bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
