do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
