I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
