I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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