new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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