my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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