Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
