well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
