I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
