a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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