she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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