I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
