Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
