The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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