i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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