Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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