someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
