I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
