do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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