i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
