Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
