If i come over, it means nothing
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
