2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
