I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
