I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
