Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
